January 29, 2008

Nowadays, with “Photoshop,” a keen understanding of angles and a well-developed imagination, you can be anyone you want, literally.

About two years ago, while in one of my “MySpace stoopers” that I frequently allowed myself to get into (solely for procrastination purposes), I came across a page of a very attractive female from the “Philly” area, that actually made me stop slumping my shoulders, sit up and take notice. Even though all of her pictures were from really weird angles, I simply brushed that observation aside and actually had my day brightened by looking at such ravishing pictures. Now, while I had no interest in getting to know her, as a man with a man’s tendency to have the “good-dog” syndrome, I felt compelled to make it known that she’d actually, in some small way, pleased me with her pictures. Thus, I sent her this email:

“Hey sup Miss. Just wanted to come by and compliment you on your page and your really beautiful pictures. Have a good day!”

Seemed harmless enough, right? Well, to my surprise, about 12 minutes or so later, I received this email in return:

“Thank you, but obviously you didn’t read my profile, or ya woulda known that you didn’t fit the requirement for sending me an email.”

My first thought after reading that email was “oh, fu** this! Let me tell this bit** just how I feel about her now!” Instead, I suppressed my tendency to bring ferocious retribution (which you learn growing up in the ‘hood’) and decided to read up on her “requirements.” Needless to say, her entire profile talked about how she only wanted to talk to “ballers,” “thugs wit money,” or pretty boys who needed to have a tight six-pack. Moreover, she spoke of how she was “about her business,” a dime that didn’t like fat dudes, and wouldn’t have time for ‘losers on MySpace that wanted to hate on her.’ Needless to say, realizing that I wasn’t in any of those categories, I simply decided to hit that little red “x” that allows folks to close a webpage, and went back to my mindless perusing of other “MySpace” profiles, even though, it was with a stung ego.

Six months later, while in a “Wal-mart” (one of my favorite places), I glanced over at a cashier that ‘looked’ familiar. Trying to brush it off as coincidence, I just went about the business of looking at every possible item that “Wal-mart” carries, and trying to figure if I indeed would have a use for them.

That was until I got up the register to pay for all of the things that I really didn’t need, but “had to have.” Now, that glance and mere coincidence turned into a nagging feeling that maybe I had indeed seen her before. Looking as hard as I could, I realized that it was the same girl from the rude email! This time, I wasn’t shocked because I’d actually seen her in person, and that it was so hard to recognize her through the obvious out of control weight gain. At first estimate, she was about 4’11” and 360 pounds. To this day, I think I low-balled that number out of sympathy. I was shocked because I had become what I had heard about so many times before: a victim of the dreaded “internet façade.” 

Not only was she not “a dime” (no offense, but 'in shape' dimes usually don’t come with a third chin and arms bigger than my torso. And I played football in college!), but she apparently wasn’t a “baller” either. Instead, she was just like any other regular person, working a job on a daily basis to make ends meet and had apparently lost the fight to keep her weight down. So much for her wearing a size four, as her page had claimed. Thus, it hit me like a light-switch turning on, “that’s why all of the pictures were from those weird angles!’ So, why the need to completely reinvent herself on an internet profile, when someone had to eventually see that she wasn’t what she’d said she was?


               

We’ll examine that a little later, but it’s important to understand that “the internet façade” comes in all forms, and it isn’t just women reinventing themselves. For instance, this is what a friend of mine, Ebony endured:

                “A few years back, I was on “BlackPeopleMeet” and met a guy from my area. He was an attorney and decent looking. At the time I was working as a paralegal, so it was cool that we had something in common. Dude told me that he was divorced and had two children ages 4 and 3. Well, I am a pretty resourceful gal and I don’t trust internet folks; I have been known to do a background check or two. In this case, I happened to be at the Courthouse one day and decided to just pull his divorce file. I mean after all, it was PUBLIC RECORD. This [guy] was still married....and he didn’t have 2 kids....the bit** had FOUR....the oldest was with a woman other than his wife (he was paying child support) and then he had an 8 year old with his wife. The children that he told me were 4 and 3, where actually 2 and 1!! What a sleezeball. So, as any woman will tell you, there are SOMETHINGS you kind of expect a man will lie about online (his height, his income, his weight), but lying on your kids? Hell no. Needless to say, I never answered the phone again when he called.”

Another friend of mine had this story to tell:


 “I met this guy online from a popular chat room on AOL. I thought he was nice and seemed pretty much “man-like. We had a few things in common, which was why I was so drawn to him. I'm not really the type to like really “thugged” out guys, but his NY swag made me fall for him. I’m a Southern Girl who loves Northern and East Coast guys. Anyways back to my story.

 We talked on the phone everyday and night. He kept convincing me his sex was “off the meter”. OH BOY!

 After months of talking on the phone I decided to take a vacation to meet this guy. We met and everything was [cool] at first. I met his family and all. They welcomed me. We didn't have sex the first night I got there, which was fine with me.

 When we did, this guy!! First he went down on me trying to pretend that his tongue was the greatest gift to women; LIES! It’s not. Then he wanted me to put my fingers in a**hole!!! I refused, saying "there is no way I’m putting my fingers in someone's poop shooter.” Then it happened: he pulled out a dildo. At first, I thought "ok he's going to try and use this on me" I wasn't going to let him. I don’t know where that thing might have been. But he asked me to use it; I responded with “I don’t want to use something you might have stuck up another female's vagina”. He then said "no, I want you to use it on me".

I was shocked and disgusted. But hell I did it anyway and this fool started screaming and telling me to fu** him like a bit**. Needless to say I did and I was on my way out of there the next day. Last time I would fall for an “AOL thug.” Since, it has been very hard for me to even try to think about another 'internet-ship'.”

So now, why do people need to remake their existence, as soon as they sit at a computer? The answer is simple: generally for some, life sucks if they aren’t internally viewed as better than the next person. More than that though, they haven’t found a way to handle the idea of being “normal.” Pretty much since Adam figured that Eve had bigger breast, so he’d better start doing some push-ups, people have been competing to appear a more successful person than the next person. If the one person drives a Bentley, then the next man must have a personal jet.

Sadly though, there's a small problem with that ideology: away from the internet, if people can see that you drive a Honda Accord, it’s a tad difficult to tell someone that you drive a Rolls Royce Phantom. Instead, the internet has become a safe haven to those who are looking to give a million-dollar impression with a ten-cent bank account. Instead of being an attractive girl who likes to sing, with the power of “Adobe Flash” and a really good camera phone, you can now become a super-model/singer, who will simply refuse to converse with anyone who isn’t a famous record producer, rich entrepreneur, or famous model who happens to be the man or woman (it is 2008) of their dreams. All you have to do is look at all of the “Official MySpace” pages of many models, to whom you’ve never even seen before, not to mention never hearing about. It’s a good bet that with a local “Cutie” contest on my website, I’ve had the displeasure (or pleasure, depending on the pics) of seeing a large portion of them, if not seeing them all. 

Moreover, many “home record producers” have now become record moguls who now have pictures of the latest fashion wear, the hippest new artist and claims of offers from every major record company executives from Damon Dash to “Puffy” (I simply refuse to call him P.Diddy). All the while doing this from their mother’s basement, which only fringe benefit is the private entrance that they have next to the garage. Indeed, it’s getting to the point of almost being comical.

It’s time for that apparent sarcastic comedy to end. Instead of being that “internet façade,” try coming up with the actual realness of being in a country where there is a mortgage crisis, high gas prices and an unemployment rate that gets higher by the minute.

Embrace the normalcy that life provides. We all have everyday slings and arrows that we must face just to cope. Lying about the greatness of your life on an internet profile won’t change matters. It will only make you more frustrated because you have yet to achieve them. Not to mention the effect that it has on the people who were naive enough to believe you in the first place.

Just because you aren’t rich or famous, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. There is no shame in being a “regular Joe.” In fact, there are millions of us running around, wondering how the hell Bush got elected, as we complain about paying $3.20 for a gallon of gas.  Don’t be like the woman who stole my friend “Lu’s” pictures from her “MySpace” account and used them as her own, “because she didn’t really like her own.” After all, there is such a thing as “loving the skin that you are in.”

Have I been part of the “internet façade” once or twice? Sure I have. The thought of ruining the chance to have future sex, because you “put your cards on the table,” is one that does cause a substantial amount of fear, especially to a man or woman in a “dry spell.”  Let’s face it, everyone has something about themselves that they simply cannot stand. But, eventually I came to realize that if you plan on doing anything meaningful, that you ought to tell the truth, at least most of the time, before the truth tells on you. “Real will eventually recognize real,” and coming face to face with what you have to admit can be enough to make some people give up the internet for life.

Rather than being that unusually large “Wal-mart” checkout person, who swears she wears a size four, has a large bank account, and promises that she is “thick” instead of “round,” try being you and only you. Not the person who takes pictures from weird angles. Nor should you be the married man who lies about his marital status, or the producer who is a budding millionaire, yet still has to ask his mother for “chicken-wing platter” money.

As an alternative, you should be the person you really are, not the “internet façade” that has been crafted, because as Lauren Hill said,”frontin’ nigg** give [out] hee-bee gee-bees.” At this rate, there’s a practically a “hee-bee gee-bee” epidemic going on. Besides, more than anything else be “you,” because I’d like to think that the “MySpace” profiles that I waste ridiculous amounts of time perusing are actually real people, and not make believe.